The 12 Step program that I belong to has a daily meditation, and today’s was about misery being optional. I love that, because when I got clean in late 06, I was miserable, and I knew I was miserable. I just didn’t know what to do about it.
I had known for at least a year that I was miserable. I had been doing the relationship swap thing to try to make me feel better, I was doing any and every drug (legal and illegal) I could find to try to make me less miserable. I had admitted myself to a psychiatric facility for suicidal thoughts. I knew I was miserable, just didn’t know exactly “why” and I sure didn’t know how to stop being miserable.
I remember praying many times: “please either let me die or fix me, because I don’t know how to do this any more” and I remember being angry when I woke up.
I also remember starting to think in a part of my self-centeredness “maybe there is some of this that is my fault”. I had up to that time always blamed everything on other people. But I had recently realized that the common denominator in these failed relationships was “me” and maybe, just maybe I had a part in them not working. (Now I see the insanity in that statement, but at the time that was my truth)
Today, Patty’s truth is: I am responsible for my attitude!! Yes, my attitude is my choice! I can choose to have a good, positive, grateful attitude; or I can choose to let the more negative part of my head be in charge and wallow in the yuck that can be seen in my life.
Today I choose to be positive, grateful and happy! If I have to do a written gratitude list 12 times today to do that, OK. Even on days when I am in a lot of physical pain, I don’t have to be emotionally miserable because of it. I have learned in the past 7 years that my physical pain does not have to rule my spiritual or emotional state today. I have also learned that when I keep myself in a good emotional and spiritual place it positively affects my physical stuff. Yes, my attitude, positive or negative, affects my physical stuff! So what mood I choose to be in today is a big deal to me!!
I did not come to these conclusions over night. I do not do this perfectly every day. It is rarely easy. It takes practice. I get better at it as I practice it on a daily basis. But despite all of these things, for me it is worth the work!
My friends who are reading this, I want to let you know that they might be far between for a bit. We don’t have internet at the house right now and it’s really hard to write new blogs on my phone. So, when I get a chance to get somewhere with WIFI I will do my best to write one or two new blogs for your entertainment. Hehe.
I hope all of you have a great week!! (((HUGS)))